I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
