I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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