youre lurking in front of me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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