I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
