Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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