yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
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I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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