so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
