you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
