i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
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