I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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