I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
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He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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