Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
