I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
