When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
