Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
