After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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