i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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