If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
