the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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