Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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