i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
