My hand turned me down
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
