I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
