Did I show you my penis last night?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
