My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
