I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
