just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
