i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
