dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
