im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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