The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
Me, myself and I
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
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I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks