totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny