I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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