Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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