sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
