Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Randomize
