Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
