I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
