WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
