Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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