so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
