alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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