I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
