It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
