apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
