Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
