Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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