oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i need some magic done to my vagina
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
