Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He felt like a one man threesome
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
