saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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