ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
