I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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