Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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