apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
